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On wanting more



I consider it a curse while others think of it as motivation.

More. I just want more.

I don’t mean material goods (although I have been eying a pair of amazing pumps and this gorgeous gown for an upcoming soiree). I mean life. I thought that by now, I’d be having a ball with a significant other, a home in California, a pet. Far-off adventures, late-nights with close friends, delicious dinners with a loved one, You know, just living.

The fact is, life has a funny way of throwing you curveballs. One minute, you are with your close friends in California in a backyard with sangria, the next you are sitting in a teeny-tiny apartment in New York, trying not to get mad that a friend bailed on you. again.

I know I’ve made these decisions that have brought me to where I am today. I get that. I own that. But! There is something to be said about feeling like you are missing something. Like everyone if going on, growing up, making things work. While you are sitting back and trying to plot out your next move.

I don’t know if it’s because I am that this point in my life where what I want now and what I wanted two years ago has completely changed or if because I still follow some of the ridiculous societal benchmarks (children, husband, home, etc) that most of us were exposed to at an earlier time. The moral of the story is that I want to be happy here, now, with what I have. Yes, being single for what feels like eternity isn’t optimal  and yes, many nights I sit at a bar with a cocktail in hand and which for something more. But, what I’ve got now, isn’t awful. In fact, 4 days out of the week, it’s pretty good.

But still… can’t a girl just have more?

After writing this, I came upon this post which basically knocked me off my ass and told me to get the eff over it. That you are stronger than you think. Which is exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Thank you, Internet gods.
image credit: JMN for Vogue China
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July 31, 2012 - 1:46 pm

Nicole - Thanks for writing this post. I often feel like this and feel guilty about feeling this way. It’s good to know that I’m not the only single gal who has these thoughts at times. I appreciate it!


July 31, 2012 - 4:48 pm

colleen - no, it’s no crime to want more. or be confused by where you are and where you thought you’d be. or compare yourself to others who seem to have those things with ease. but of course it has to end with us remembering what do have. to call back up those moments where we look at our life and go: “wow, i never thought i would have this.” nyc can take so much – but it gives a lot too. i have the exact moments you talk about, so i try to remember those other ones – when i first took in my aerial view of central park in my office and the little girl in me died that that was where i worked! – to keep the balance going.

August 16, 2012 - 9:52 am

KT - Don’t chastise yourself for wanting certain things in your life. If you want them, make it happen. I spent a lot of time beating myself up in my early 30s and trying to get what I wanted from the wrong sources (men who were never going to change). I’m now 41, single, and actually happy–but if I could go back in time and talk to my younger self, I’d say “go easy on yourself and don’t beat yourself up when other people don’t give you what you want … move on, enjoy yourself, stay open to new possibilities.”

August 22, 2012 - 11:23 am

Sara - Hugs to you. I completely understand. I am married but it seems we all have this thing or that thing that would make us happier. But then what? I plan to get the Lysa TerKuerst book Unglued as well. That lady is so honest and points me in the right direction.

August 24, 2012 - 2:28 pm

Nicole - I really liked this post. I’m happy you put it out there. I’ve come back to read it a few times and thought – you really need to leave her a comment. I have a really amazing life – yet I still want MORE. More everything and all the time. Sure this applies to anything from time to shoes. All the in between, too. Like I said, I’ve got a pretty amazing life and I’m really happy…it’s just often enough I get tickled with that “I WANT MORE”.

I like to think it was keeps me going, growing and living. :) (but it totally feels like a curse sometimes, too)

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